Understanding Trauma: Why Moving Forward Can Feel So Hard — and How Healing Happens
When people use the word “trauma,” they’re often talking about events so overwhelming that afterward life feels divided into “before” and “after.” Maybe it was a car crash, a difficult childbirth, an assault, a breakup filled with betrayal, or years of subtle childhood neglect that left you feeling invisible. Whatever the details, trauma doesn’t just live in the past — it lives in the body and in the nervous system. You might know intellectually that the danger is over, yet your heart still races whenever a siren blares, or your stomach knots when a partner raises their voice.
If you’ve tried to “move on” but find yourself circling the same painful memories or stuck in patterns that don’t feel like you, you’re not alone. In our work with clients, we hear this frustration every day: I should be over this by now, so what’s wrong with me? There is nothing wrong with you. Trauma changes how the mind, body, and relationships function, and healing asks for more than time or willpower. It asks for the right kind of care, compassion, and sometimes professional guidance.
What Is Trauma, Really?
“Trauma” comes from the Greek for wound, and that’s still the clearest way to understand it. Just as a deep cut to the skin needs careful cleaning and stitches, a psychological wound needs care and containment so it can knit back together. Modern psychology recognizes several kinds of trauma:
Acute trauma: a single overwhelming event such as an accident or medical emergency.
Chronic trauma: repeated exposure to distress — think ongoing domestic violence or life in a dangerous neighborhood.
Complex or developmental trauma: interpersonal wounding that happens in caregiving relationships, especially in childhood.
Secondary or vicarious trauma: the impact of witnessing or hearing about others’ suffering, common among healthcare workers, therapists, and journalists.
Research from the National Council for Mental Wellbeing estimates 70 percent of adults in the United States have lived through at least one traumatic event. Far from being rare, trauma is woven into many life stories — yet people often feel ashamed or isolated naming it.
Trauma isn’t defined only by what happened but by how your nervous system made sense of what happened in that exact moment. Think of two people sitting side-by-side in the same car crash: one later develops nightmares and panic on the highway, while the other feels shaken but returns to driving within a week. What accounts for the difference?
Biology and temperament. Genetic makeup, hormone levels, and even gut microbiota shape how quickly the body activates — and then settles — the fight-flight-freeze response. Some brains are naturally more sensitive to alarm bells, priming them to encode danger more vividly.
Developmental stage and prior history. A child whose brain is still wiring for safety, or an adult who has already weathered earlier losses, enters the event with a different “stress budget.” Previous adversity can either build resilience or create a lowered threshold for overwhelm.
Attachment and relational context. If supportive caregivers, partners, or friends were emotionally available right after the event, the nervous system could get the message, You’re not alone; help is here. In contrast, isolation — or worse, blame — can lock memories into a state of threat.
Cultural and systemic lenses. Identity factors such as race, gender, sexual orientation, and immigration status influence whether someone feels believed, protected, or retraumatized by authorities and institutions afterward. Systemic oppression can magnify the original wound.
Meaning-making and worldview. People who can link the event to a coherent story — “That storm was devastating, but it taught me how strong my community is” — tend to integrate memories more smoothly. When an experience shatters core assumptions (“The world is safe”; “I have control”), the mind works harder to regain equilibrium.
Current resources and coping tools. Access to therapy, stable housing, financial security, or spiritual practices provides scaffolding for recovery, whereas ongoing stressors keep the body on high alert.
In short, the same external blow can land like a bruise or a deep fracture depending on this constellation of factors. Trauma is less about the objective facts of the event and more about the subjective imprint it leaves on a person’s body, brain, and sense of self — and that imprint is shaped long before, during, and long after the moment of impact.
How Trauma Rewires the Brain and Body
When danger strikes, your body’s built-in alarm system — the amygdala — sounds off, flooding you with adrenaline and cortisol so you can fight, flee, freeze, or fawn. Normally, once the threat passes, your prefrontal cortex and hippocampus file the memory away in chronological order, tag it “over,” and your system returns to calm.
Trauma can interrupt that process. Neuro-imaging studies show that in people with post-traumatic stress, the amygdala stays hyper-alert while the hippocampus and medial prefrontal cortex go offline. In everyday terms, the “smoke alarm” keeps blaring after the fire is out, and the “fire chief” responsible for rational decision-making leaves the station. You might notice:
intrusive flashbacks or nightmares
exaggerated startle reflex
numbness or dissociation (feeling checked out or unreal)
chronic muscle tension or digestive issues
difficulty concentrating or remembering parts of the event
Because these reactions are stored in the body, thinking your way out rarely works. You may know the check-out beeps at the grocery store aren’t your baby’s NICU monitors, yet your stomach drops and your chest tightens just the same.
Over time, living in a prolonged state of survival can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and even physical illnesses such as hypertension or autoimmune flare-ups. Unresolved trauma can also shape the attachment system, making it harder to trust others or tolerate intimacy — a reason couples often seek therapy when one or both partners carry trauma histories.
Why Does It Feel So Hard to “Move On”?
Many clients describe feeling stuck in the past, frustrated by their inability to shake images or emotions that arrive without warning. Several factors create this sense of immobility:
Fragmented memory. Because the hippocampus was offline during the event, trauma memories are stored as sensory fragments — sounds, smells, tactile sensations — rather than a coherent story. When a present-day cue matches a fragment, the survival cascade can replay.
Avoidance loops. It’s human to sidestep what hurts, but avoiding triggers (driving, intimacy, the hospital wing) prevents the brain from learning the danger is over. Short-term relief reinforces long-term fear.
Shame and self-blame. Survivors often judge themselves for how they responded (“Why didn’t I fight back?”). Shame shuts down help-seeking and keeps the experience hidden in the dark where it can’t heal.
Physiological dysregulation. Chronic sympathetic arousal makes it nearly impossible to access the calm, reflective state needed for meaning-making. Picture trying to solve a puzzle while riding a roller coaster.
Social and systemic factors. Racism, sexism, homophobia, and other oppressions can compound trauma or limit access to resources. Safety is not only internal; it depends on environment and community.
If you’re parenting after trauma, these patterns can be especially frustrating. A toddler’s meltdown might catapult you into fight-or-flight long before your logical brain reminds you that you’re the adult now. Many postpartum clients notice old wounds resurfacing when they become caregivers, which is why integrating psychodynamic and attachment-oriented work alongside modalities like EMDR can be transformative.
Signs Your Trauma May Still Be Running the Show
Trauma doesn’t always look like textbook PTSD. Some subtle indicators include:
Persistent feelings of threat even in objectively safe moments
Cycles of over-functioning (hyper-productivity) followed by burnout
Difficulty setting boundaries or saying no
Emotional numbing or “people-pleasing” to avoid conflict
Relationship patterns of pursuer-withdrawer
Chronic guilt that you’re “too much” or “not enough”
If you recognize yourself here, know that your responses once made perfect sense in context. Healing is about updating the nervous system’s operating manual, not erasing the past.
Trauma Across Life Stages: From Childhood to Parenthood
Early experiences can echo across decades. Developmental trauma shapes stress hormone levels, immune function, and even gene expression. Yet new chapters — college, marriage, pregnancy — can become powerful windows for neuroplastic change.
During the perinatal period, hormonal shifts heighten emotional sensitivity. While this can intensify old wounds, it also creates an opportunity for profound healing. Processing your own attachment history while preparing to bond with a baby can break intergenerational cycles — a cornerstone of the work we do with new and expecting parents.
Couples who seek support after betrayal or conflict often find that understanding each partner’s trauma story transforms blame into empathy. What looks like “mom rage” or a partner “shutting down” may be survival strategies carried forward from earlier wounds.
Evidence-Based Paths to Healing
The same neuroplasticity that allowed trauma to alter your nervous system also allows repair. Therapy invites the brain to file memories in a new way — moving them from raw “here-and-now” sensations to integrated “there-and-then” stories. Approaches we regularly draw on include:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which helps the brain digest stuck memories using bilateral stimulation and guided reflection
Somatic therapies that focus on bodily sensations to release stored survival energy
Trauma-focused CBT, blending cognitive restructuring with gradual exposure to challenge unhelpful beliefs and regulate emotion
Attachment-based and psychodynamic therapy, exploring how past relationships inform present patterns
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Gottman Method for Couples interventions, which help partners recognize physiological flooding and co-create rituals of repair
Group therapy or intensive retreats — for some clients an EMDR or Couples Therapy Intensive (several hours or a full day focused on one target) can jump-start progress
No single modality fits everyone. What matters is tailoring treatment to your nervous system, cultural context, and goals in collaboration with a skilled trauma-informed therapist.
The Healing Power of Relationship and Regulation
Trauma happens in isolation; healing happens in connection. Neuroscience shows that the presence of a regulating other — someone who can stay calm, curious, and compassionate — helps quiet the amygdala and bring the prefrontal cortex back online. That “other” can be a therapist, a partner practicing attuned listening, a parent, or even a supportive friend group.
In session we practice co-regulation skills: paced breathing, grounding through the senses, or tapping techniques clients can later use at home. As confidence grows, self-regulation follows. Clients report not only fewer flashbacks or panic attacks but also increased capacity for joy, creativity, and secure attachment.
Healing also benefits from systemic supports — stable housing, culturally competent care, community resources. Recovery is not an individual sport; it’s a team effort.
Everyday Practices to Support Your Healing
Formal therapy is powerful, but healing also happens in the rhythms of daily life. Clients often find these practices helpful between sessions:
Grounding rituals. Start or end the day naming five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. This anchors you in the present when flashbacks pull you away.
Movement that feels safe. Gentle yoga, slow walks (like along the Strand in Hermosa Beach), or dancing in your living room can discharge stored energy and release endorphins. The goal is reclaiming agency, not burning calories.
Nervous-system friendly breathing. Try “physiological sighs” — two short inhales through the nose followed by a long exhale through the mouth — to lower heart rate in under a minute.
Journaling with self-compassion. Instead of replaying what’s wrong with me, write from the stance of a caring friend: It makes sense you felt terrified; you did the best you could with the resources you had. Research by Kristin Neff shows self-compassion reduces trauma-related shame and improves resilience.
Boundaries as medicine. Healing sometimes requires saying no to situations or conversations that spike dysregulation. This isn’t avoidance; it’s titration — allowing your system to heal in manageable doses.
Think of these tools as bridges between therapy sessions, strengthening the new neural pathways you’re building. Over time they transform from conscious exercises into an automatic felt sense of safety.
Ready to Begin? Next Steps with Our Team
If this article resonates, please know you don’t have to navigate healing alone. Our trauma therapists offer in-person counseling in Hermosa Beach and Beverly Hills and secure online therapy across California. We meet you with warmth, evidence-based expertise, and respect for your unique story.
Free 15-minute phone consultation to get matched with the right therapist on our team
Comprehensive intake session where we map out goals and choose the best approach
Ongoing weekly, bi-weekly, or intensive sessions tailored to your schedule
Whether you’re grappling with a recent event, chronic childhood wounds, or the ripple effects of trauma on your relationship, our mission is to help you heal the past, break the cycle, and build a life you love. Take the first step today — relief and reconnection are possible.
Final Thoughts
Trauma may have rewritten parts of your story, but it doesn’t have to dictate the ending. With the right support, your nervous system can learn the crisis is over, your relationships can become sources of safety, and your life can expand beyond survival into meaning and joy. We’re here to walk that journey alongside you — step by compassionate step.
Disclaimer
This blog is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this content does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing distress or mental health concerns, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional. If you are in crisis or need immediate support, please call 911, go to your nearest emergency room, or contact a 24/7 crisis line such as the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.