What to Say (and Not Say) When a Friend Shares a Miscarriage
Miscarriage is heartbreakingly common–between 10% and 20% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage–yet they are often kept quiet. Many people will experience it at least once, but stigma, fear of saying the wrong thing, and minimizations like “it was early” can push grief underground. When someone shares this loss with you, they’re inviting you into a tender, vulnerable moment. You don’t need perfect words—you need presence. Validating their pain, honoring the bond they felt with their baby, and offering simple, practical care can soften isolation and shame. The right response won’t fix what happened, but it can help them feel less alone, seen, and supported as they navigate both the physical recovery and the emotional waves of grief.
Below is a simple, compassionate guide with specific phrases to try, guidance on why they help, and what to avoid.
10 Helpful Ways to Respond (with quick scripts + why they help)
Lead with acknowledgment and care
Say: “I’m so sorry. I’m here with you.”
Why it helps: Simple, direct empathy validates the loss without rushing to solutions or silver linings. It signals safety and support.Name the loss
Say: “Losing a baby is heartbreaking. Your grief makes so much sense.”
Why it helps: Using words like “baby” (if your friend does) recognizes the significance of the loss and the attachment they had.Follow their language and pace
Say: “I want to talk about this in whatever way feels right for you. Do you want to share more, or would you prefer a distraction?”
Why it helps: Centering their preferences prevents shows respect for their boundaries while signaling openness to go deeper.TIP: Reflect the language and words that your friend uses. If they say “miscarriage,” “pregnancy loss,” “baby” or “died” use those words as well.
Offer specific, practical help
Say: “Can I drop dinner on your porch Wednesday or set up a grocery delivery?”
Why it helps: Concrete offers are easier to accept than “Let me know if you need anything,” which puts the burden back on them.Check on the partner and the whole household
Say: “How is your partner doing? Would it help if I texted them, too?”
Why it helps: Miscarriage impacts the whole family system; acknowledging the partner broadens support and reduces isolation.
TIP: If your friend has another child, you can offer to babysit or take them out to the park.Normalize a wide range of feelings
Say: “Whatever you’re feeling—sad, angry, numb—there’s no wrong way to grieve.”
Why it helps: Validates complexity and counters shame if their emotions don’t match others’ expectations.Remember the body, not just emotions
Say: “Are you getting any rest? Want me to drop off a heating pad, snacks, or soft pajamas?”
Why it helps: Physical recovery after miscarriage is real; tending to the body communicates holistic care.Offer gentle check-ins over time
Say (later): “Thinking of you today. No pressure to reply.”
Why it helps: Grief isn’t linear, and support often falls off after weeks or months. Quiet, low-demand check-ins—especially around expected due dates, holidays, or medical follow-ups—can feel deeply supportive.Respect privacy and choice
Say: “I’m keeping this private. If you want anyone updated—family, work, or our group chat—tell me who and exactly what you want shared (or nothing at all).”
Why it helps: Affirms their autonomy and lowers the stress of retelling or unwanted exposure—they control who knows what and when.'Share resources only if welcomed
Say: “If it would be helpful, I can send a few support resources. If not, I’ll just keep showing up.”
Why it helps: Keeps them in the driver’s seat and avoids information overload when they’re raw.
10 Things Not to Say (and better alternatives)
“At least it was early.”
Why it’s not helpful: Minimizes grief and implies the loss shouldn’t hurt.
Try instead: “Your loss matters, no matter the timing.”“Everything happens for a reason.”
Why it’s not helpful: Platitudes can feel dismissive or moralizing.
Try instead: “This is so hard. I’m here with you in it.”“You can try again.”
Why it’s not helpful: Focuses on the future and bypasses the present pain; not everyone can or wants to try again.
Try instead: “Right now is about caring for you. How can I support you today?”“It could be worse.”
Why it’s not helpful: Grief isn’t a competition; this invites shame.
Try instead: “Your feelings are valid exactly as they are.”Unsolicited medical advice (e.g., “Have you tried…?” “Cut out coffee.”)
Why it’s not helpful: Implies blame and adds pressure.
Try instead: “Were you able to have all your medical questions answered and discussed? I can sit with you or help you write them down for your doctor.”“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.”
Why it’s not helpful: Can feel fatalistic or spiritualized in ways that don’t fit their beliefs, and shuts down space for current pain.
Try instead: “I’m so sorry this happened. You don’t deserve this.”Probing for details (e.g., “How far along?” “What exactly happened?”)
Why it’s not helpful: Can be intrusive, re-traumatizing, and about your curiosity rather than their needs.
Try instead: “I’m here to listen if you want to share—no pressure at all.”Comparisons (e.g., “My cousin had three miscarriages and she has two healthy children now.”)
Why it’s not helpful: Centers someone else’s story; can feel invalidating.
Try instead: “Your experience is unique, and I’m here for yours.”Centering your own emotions (e.g., “I’m devastated. I can’t stop crying.”)
Why it’s not helpful: They end up comforting you.
Try instead: “I care so much about you. I’m here and can handle whatever you want to share.”Religious assumptions (e.g., “Your baby is in a better place.”)
Why it’s not helpful: May not align with their beliefs and can feel minimizing.
Try instead: “I’m holding you in my heart”
Text-Ready Messages You Can Send Today
“I just heard. I’m so sorry. I’m here for whatever you need—talking, silence, or errands. No pressure to respond.”
“I’m dropping off dinner on your porch tomorrow—no need to answer the door. If you prefer a different day, just text me the better day and I’ll adjust.”
“Thinking of you and your baby today. If it’s okay, I’d love to check in again next week.”
“Would it help if I organized a grocery delivery? I can send a quick list for you to edit or coordinate with [partner].”
“I can come sit with you, fold laundry, or just watch a show together. What sounds easiest?”
How to Be a Steady Support Over Time
Mark meaningful dates (suspected due date, procedure date, holidays) and send a simple note: “Holding you in my thoughts today.”
Keep offers low-pressure (“No need to reply; just letting you know I’m here.”).
Respect boundaries if they don’t want to talk—or if they do, follow their lead.
Notice the body—rest, hydration, comfort items, rides to appointments—small acts go a long way.
Stay consistent—support often needs to last beyond the first week.
If You’re Not Sure What to Say
Try this:
“I care about you and don’t want to say the wrong thing. I’m here to listen or to sit with you quietly—whatever feels best right now.”
It’s okay to be imperfect. Presence beats perfection every time.
Conclusion
When someone shares a miscarriage, there’s no perfect sentence that makes the pain disappear—only choices that make the load a little lighter. Leading with care, staying present over time, and offering practical, low-pressure help communicates: you’re not alone, and you don’t have to carry this by yourself. Small gestures—checking in on meaningful dates, dropping a meal, sitting quietly—add up to real relief.
If you’re the one grieving, please know that your feelings are valid and worthy of support. You deserve space to rest, to be comforted, and to heal at your own pace. Compassionate counseling can help you process the loss, soothe nervous-system overwhelm, and rebuild a sense of safety and hope.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a miscarriage and in need of support, reach out to us today. We offer in-person therapy in Hermosa Beach, West LA, and Beverly Hills and secure online therapy across California.
Disclaimer
This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for medical, psychiatric, or psychological advice. If you or someone you know is in crisis or at risk of harm, call or text 988 (U.S.) for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, dial 911, or go to the nearest emergency room. If you have urgent medical concerns following a pregnancy loss, contact your healthcare provider or seek emergency care immediately.